Oh, You Sexy Fox

Anybody who’s been watching any of the college bowl or NFL playoff games knows, without a doubt, the referees are, in fact, blind and stupid.  Though, why they seem to be the only people voicing their opinions in FOX’s NFL’s Sexiest Man contest remains a mystery to me.  What is obvious is that somebody is messing with the sanctity of this competition and it’s threatening to undermine the very definition of the word sexy.

While I openly admit that I haven’t exactly been glued to my set on Sunday mornings anxiously awaiting the outcome of the latest brackets, watching what must be the last of Terry Bradshaw’s brain cells falling freely from his over-exposed follicles or hearing inane commentary on Jimmy Johnson’s apparent lawn mower mishap on his moptop are not my idea of high-quality sports journalism.  

I did have the misfortune of witnessing the just barely clad Jillian Barberie’s cloying coverage of the latest results.  Seems America’s favorite fate-ridden footballer, Brett Favre, has survived competition from calendar boy, Jason Taylor, and the ‘so-cute-God-made-him-twice’ Tiki Barber.  Hines Ward filled out that foursome as an obvious a ploy to pull sympathy votes from the heroic hillbilly because some of the voters may not want to see old Heinie cry, yet again.  Favre’s latest foe was rookie QB, Alex Smith of the 49ers, you know, from San Francisco.  Don’t want to imply who’s doing all the voting here but, come on guys… Smith was in a bracket with the other Barber, Donnie Edwards of the Chargers, and my personal favorite, Dwight Freeney. 

OK, first of all, it reeks of racism that the only un-black guy of the group gets the nod.  But more importantly, it’s just ridiculous to imagine there are enough people out there who think some snot-nosed sissy could even imagine being sexier than a big, FAST, defensive end who manhandles offensive linemen and puts those sissy-types on their decidedly-delicious derrieres!

Over on the other side of this farcical folly, there was one outcome with which I have no argument.  Jevon the Freak Kearse, burly Brian Urlacher, and the forever-humble fathead, Chad Johnson, were beaten by Michigan alumnus and three-time Super Bowl Champ, Tom Brady.  Visions of him in a Red Sox cap doing interviews on ESPN are enough to warm my hinderparts- just a bit.

Now, I’m tempted to just stop typing and let this ridiculous revelry run its sordid course without further infuriated fussing from me.  But, you’re not that lucky.  Perhaps, by the time you read this, Favre will be crowned king and my blood pressure will again be at a level conducive to living another day.  Terry Bradshaw will espouse about the merits of a Louisiana-born, multi-Super Bowl champion, QB attempting to exonerate FOX for putting his dumb ugly mug on television.  Jillian Barberie will gush, breathlessly, with bosoms heaving, about Sexy Brett.  Howie will find a way to smack Bradshaw, yet again, James Brown will attempt to reroute the debauchery back to football and Jimmy Johnson will wonder where his hair went.

And speaking of them cowboys, how bout that “Brokeback Mountain”?  While I have no problem whatsoever with a cinematic genius putting a quality story on the big screen, I do have issues with the subliminal messages that are apparently planted within the storyline.  “Wouldn’t it be cool if a hunky place kicker won the NFL’s Sexiest Man contest?” is worked in with such subtlety between the leather chaps, whips and sadistic spurs that even the director himself would deny any knowledge of having planted them. 

Alright, before I cross any politically-incorrect lines here by accusing one aspect of our society of fixing the vote, let me turn the discussion to the motivation behind the FOX programmers’ decision to use their pre-game football format as a stage for such silliness.  Was this some kind of an attempt to capture the attention of female fans or a manipulative machination to decipher the demographics of their declining share of the ratings?  If they did this for me and those like me by virtue of our DNA structure, they needn’t bother.  The women I know who love football, love football for the game.  The hunky guys are just an added benefit, you know, like the articles in Playboy. 

I know if I polled the women whose football savvy I respect about this subject, none of them would even put a place kicker in the damned poll!  So, whatever FOX concludes from the outcome of their stupid census, my guess is that it will be a faulty conclusion.  Wow, imagine FOX getting something wrong.  I went to the FOX site this week to get some information for this rant and though I wanted so badly to vote against the kicker, I just couldn’t give them the honor of hearing my opinion.  And, if they have trouble getting me to express my view, they’re certainly sunk! 

iambrown: always have been, always will be.